):

shitheads. sigh. zidaaaannnee ziddaaaannneee. wwwwhhhhhhhyyyy.

...

FRANCE
BABY
Come now let's go.

two words. with. you.

i feel myself going through that state of mind again. i'm confused. i'm an emotional wreck in every sense of the those words. the other day i looked at the blank post and i didnt know what to write. but suddenly i have so much in me that's nagging to be let out, and my fingers feel like they on an automatic mode.

i read somewhere awhile ago that when children get hurt, they look to their parents eyes to react to a situation. say when a kid falls from a bike, he looks at his dad. if his dad laughs and pulls him up while patting him on the back, then things are fine. if he sees panic in the father's eyes while he rushes to see if he's okay, he'll cry. children look to parents as guidance. though i dont know where the hell i'm going with this, what say you if parents turn out to be the causes of a person's emotional upheaval, that feeling like you've just got your breath taken away like someone just slammed you onto the ground? well who would they look to to determine how to react? i dont know. give me an answer please.

i used to have alot of different ways of thinking. but they evolved as my experiences as a teenager grew ohso frequent. that left me no room for anything else than thinking and figuring. first i thought that drama was saved for tv. then i thought that i was the only person in the world who could possibly understand how i was feeling, that absolutely NO one else could grasp what i had come to feel at the time. then i realised that that itself was a stupid way of thinking, and that of course there were other people in the wolrd who were feeling far fucking worse than me, so why was i moping? that made me mope even more. then i enveloped myself in my insecurities and refused to let anyone else barg in my life unexpected and take dire control of my own feelings and play around with it like a muppet master plays around with muppets. nope not gonna happen again. but you never really control these kinda things. they happen when they wanna happen and it's not really in your hands or anything. that guy up there likes playing games.

alot of different kinda emotions have been welling up inside of me, i admit. i dont necessarily know how to deal with them, so i've been pushing them away. but they're exactly like..rodents. so bloody annoying. these awesome people i have around me dont EVER need to put up with me, but they do anyways. i've forgotten how NOT to channel my negative energy toward everything i do, but i dont bother keeping up anymore. i've gotten tired with the games. but what do you do when Life's a game. even at home. esp at home.

i just wanna get rid of this fucked up feeling. that i cant do anything right anymore, that i continously hurt the people i hold so close to. of getting hurt but not expressing it anymore. numbness anyone?

it's just so pathetic, giving up.

i just don't wanna miss anything..

just finished my math tuition. phoooh. promised to update, so yeah. heh.

Cheer '06.
we seriously had a lot of fun. we were the sri KDU stunners, like it or not. xD and we were pretty damn nervous to tell you that. the first day was pretty tense, as we needed the judges to have a good first impression. it turned out to be really good, cos we had ZILCH of infractions. NIL. hahaa. so that was awesome. i was a nervous wreck. the hosts were yummy, joey G and jien. second day was worse. the entire stadium was fucking PACKED. i couldnt string two words together before we performed. having to wait backstage is shit. xD but we did it anyways.

we were at the top ten at seventh ranking, but we came second for newcomers. lost by 3 DAMN POINTS. that was really gay. so many of us were really disappointed. but ah well. we didnt know cartwheeling with props was an infraction so it's a lesson learnt i guess. caroline and mr.hafiz were being really encouraging, and so many people turned up to watch. (: my parents came too, for once in like what, two years. hee. everything was great except the announcing of winners, so to say.

i've been neglecting chatting with people lately, have been so exhausted. ngeeeehhhh. heh. i left my sprayspray bottle at the stadium! ): 40 bucks gooooonneee. ugh. ah well. anyways, i woke up so exhausted today it wasnt funny at all. went to school anyways, but only made it till break time. came home and i kinda dont remember what i did. was feeling nauseous the entire day and had one too many panadols. slept alot too. then came on to do my geo project after being reminded that i was nowhere near done.. xD and finished it in time for my tuition. heh. i'm not much of a planner.

anywhooooo aussielanders are coming back home in this next two weeks, during our class tests and trials, so.. GREAT. haha. we'll see each other though, but imma log off for now so yeah. toddly doooo.

There's always something
in the way
There's always something
getting through
but it's not me
it's You, it's You

sometimes ignorance
rings true
but hope is not in
what i know
it's not in me..me
it's in You, it's in You

it's all i know i find peace when
i'm confused
i find hope when
i'm let down
not in me ... me
in You
it's in you

i hope to lose myself
for good
i hope to find it in the end
not in me ... me
in You
in You.

for the very precious people who get me outta my bed everyday knowing it's all gon' be worth it. or that i did it anyways if it wasn't. (: loveeesss